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 Most people have heard the phrase, "paralyzed by grief" but until my mom passed away April 20th, I hadn't ever experienced it. To be honest, since she was first diagnosed with terminal cancer (beginning of January), I've been trying to avoid it. Hearing a cancer diagnosis in late November, early December, was bad enough, but to discover she had less than a year to live -- well, that was beyond anything I could handle for more than a few moments at a time, so I engulfed myself in books. It gave me an escape from a world that was crumbling around me.
I read nearly non-stop. I'd put my nose to a book as soon as I was idle for a few seconds because if I didn't, I'd burst into tears. I must have read hundreds of books since December, though I doubt I'd remember the details in many of them. One right after another. Eating, sitting in the car, at home, I always had a book in hand.
Now she's gone. The woman I'd thought would outlive us all, was felled by cancer. Just look at that picture of my 67 yo Mom. You can see the vibrancy and life that she had in her. Gawd, it hurts.
Ramon and I were still in Boston, preparing to come home, when we heard she'd asperated fluid and was having trouble breathing. There was nothing we could do. We had a 3 o'clock flight home, but it was only 11 a.m. There were airport troubles (due to bad weather conditions in NY where our flight would transfer) so we weren't even sure we'd get home that same day. Fortunately, when we did finally arrive in NY, I was able to get a flight change so we still arrived home around the time anticipated, but it wasn't soon enough. Around 8 o'clock we were in the Columbus airport when we got the call my mother had passed away.
I don't remember too much after that. My whole life stopped. I cried most of the night. Ray ended up giving me some benedryl to get some sleep. The next day, I went to my dad's and started the planning process for the funeral. There are lots of blanks in my mind for the next few days, though I do remember going to a wig retailer to get mom a wig to replace the hair she'd lost during her radiation treatments. And...I continued to read book after book when I wasn't crying. The minute I'd put a book down, the tears would gush, and I'd be inundated with the horrible loss of someone precious and irreplaceable.
Thursday was the visiting hours and Friday was the funeral -- both days filled with people and activities so I didn't do any reading. I was too exhausted. For that matter, on those two days, after the people were gone and I was alone with my hubby, I let the tears come. I spent hours flooding the sheets and staring dumbly at the walls trying to figure out how I'd live without my mom. On Saturday, we decided to have an impromptu Barbeque at our house after my daughter's soccer game in the afternoon. Family filled the house. We reminisced, tried to laugh and find some sense of normalacy, but at the end of the day, the one person who'd always been at every family gathering, wasn't. Her absence was a stark reminder of why we were there.
I kept expecting to see her bustling around the kitchen, washing dishes and cleaning up while I'd be telling her to stop and let me take care of it the next day. I kept expecting to hear her talking - she loved to talk - and demanding our attention. Though the gathering was a wonderful reminder of the importance of family, leave-taking was somber. Mother's presence had been missed.
By Saturday night, the shock and overwhelming, numbing grief had eased. I began to sense equilibrium returning. My books no longer drew me in, as a refuge from the pain. I could start mentioning Mother without bursting into tears. I started thinking about resuming my life -- returning to work, working in the gardens, working on my Soul Eclipse novel.
I admit, as I'm writing this, tears have dripped down my face, but I'm no longer paralyzed with grief. I can feel Mom's presence with me, in my heart. No one knows for sure what happens after death, but I'd like to believe that the electrical impulses that enlivened her, made her uniquely Mom, found a way to coalesce and continue existing after death. That the unconditional love she held for us in life, continues on after death...keeping her near us. |
